Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda.

I’m sorry, Mom, for not appreciating you more …

I’m sorry for not realizing all the pain and struggle you went through, but still kept a smile.

I guess that’s where I get it from.

I’m sorry for, sometimes, thinking you were weaker than you actually were. I know now that you were the strongest woman I ever knew, and happy that I was able to tell you this.

I’m sorry that I didn’t value you the way a child should value their mother … the way YOUR child should … you only get one mama.

I’m sorry it has taken me being a parent to see this … feel this … but most importantly … Understand this!

SHOULDA … WOULDA … COULDA.

We’ve all been there.

I shoulda said this. If I had more time, I woulda done that. I coulda told you whatever, but I didn’t.

Too scared of what you’d think. Too ashamed of who I was. Too proud to let you down.

People, the average person, may wonder, “what is this, that and whatever…” Be patient … This, that and whatever will slowly come to be … the moment I decide to set them free.

A whirlwind of emotion … some too great to relive, some too small to ever forget …

People talk of memories … My memory haunts me with a childhood of decent quality … Yet my soul hasn’t forgotten the pain that has defined me.

I’m so sorry, MOM … for not seeing … for not knowing.

You were a total magician with that “wand” of yours. Was your power so great that it blinded me to believe you were perfect? Then when you weren’t, it baffled me … Where are my magical powers?! Am I not worthy to carry the “wand”?

At times, my own children, whom I would DIE for, have disrespected me … What have I done that I can’t seem to find my own damn “magic wand” to “bippity boppity boo”, and dare I say … make their world perfect?!

BLAH!! Perfect is boring … but “perfect” for them … What am I missing? I’m honest. I communicate. I give GREAT advice, and wisdom, through my own wrong doings, or at least I try.

I’m sorry, Mom, that we didn’t have more time for these questions to be answered …

I wasn’t done needing you!!!

I feel your presence, daily, and for THAT, I am NOT sorry … I am grateful.

We have a bond that could never be broken … even death isn’t keeping us apart. But how I yearn to hear your voice … feel your touch … this … that … whatever … just …

… one … more … time.

My heart broke a terrible break the moment you took your last breath …

06/22/2018 at 1:20pm

I lost more than “just” my mother.

I lost the ONE person whom had ALWAYS been there for me.

I lost the ONE person whom always knew how to make everything “not so bad”.

I lost the ONE person whom always believed in me, encouraged me.

In that moment, I felt I had lost EVERYTHING.

What I gained was … more patience … compassion … empathy … INTUITION …

my guardian angel.

It has taken almost three years for me to realize what I’ve gained, by losing the one person whom I never thought I could live without ….

Don’t be me … realize your worth … realize you can do anything you put your mind to. Realize that while it’s great to have the best support system, ever … there will come a day when all you can depend on is yourself. Take my advice, and …

Know your worth.

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Just One More Day

I knew you were tired

I knew you were sick

But still what I’d give

For just one more day.

Cancer sucks.

For just one more day

To see your sweet smile,

Your face …

To hear you giggle,

Or whole heartedly laugh.

That laugh.

For just one more day

To hold your hand,

To have our conversations

About everything,

Or nothing at all.

Those memories.

For just one more day

A ride in the car

Listen to Stern

Laugh … just laugh …

And no longer cry.

For just one more day

To take away the sickness

For you to be healthy

And happy … like the

Good old days.

Memories for a lifetime.

For just one more day

And then another …

… and another

I’m selfish, you see

I wasn’t ready

To let you leave.

I need you.

I had to be strong

For you

My kids

My husband … Myself.

I wasn’t ready.

I told you it was okay.

For just one more day

I want you to be strong

Full of life … love

Most of all … compassion

Just one more day.

For just one more day, Mommy

I wasn’t ready,

but I knew you were.

I’m sorry I lied.

Bad liar.

I lied to my mother,

but I’m sure she knew

I lied, then I watched

As I saw her wings …

They grew.

For just one more day

To make sure

You knew

How very much

We all loved you.

I know you knew.

Just an excuse …

I’m selfish.

I’d give anything …

For just one more day.

Son, my number one.

Do you know what it’s like to be me
Happy, easy-going, loving, carefree
Your vision of my face
You can clearly see
I’m smiling, I’m joyful
I’m bursting with glee
PLEASE … Do not be mistaken
While I smile for you
Inside, my heart is breaking
Broken … shattered, really
Somehow I’ve failed you, my son
Somehow I’ve failed you
My number one
Tell me what it is that
I haven’t done
You see, in my head
We’ve already won
From where you were
To where you are
Do you even realize
You’ve come so far

Photo circa Mother’s Day 1999

Dig deep, my son
For you will see
That pushing yourself
Will set you free
Can’t is a word
You’ve always been told
To eliminate from your mind
No matter how old
Remember the time
You knew how to walk
Then surgery stole it
We sat, and we talked
“Mommy, oh Mommy
This isn’t fair
Why did God create me
Just to make me wear
Braces on my legs
I’ve been casted too
Procedure after procedure
Please tell me it’s true
I’ll walk again, Mommy
Maybe one day soon
Tell me I can, Mommy
Please sing me a tune”
Sweet melodies
From my heart they would come
Along with my song
I could hear him hum
My sweet young man
You have come so far
I wish you could see
Beyond every scar
That God makes no mistakes
You do have a purpose
For heavens sake
Never give up
My eldest son
Never give up
My number one

Senior Portrait circa 2017

 

 

Paranoia creeps in.

Hello old friend.
YOU, are not my friend. Go away.
I won’t.
Then what do you want?
Ohhh … Nothing. Just passing through to say …

No one likes you, including your kids, because you’re a dreadful mother, wife and friend. Don’t forget … you suck at life. You’re so stupid, senseless, naive. Yes, she REALLY hates your guts. You’re weak, fragile, powerless. You’re ugly, appalling … a beast. How can you think you’re beautiful … Oh, right … YOU DON’T! You’re fat AND lazy. You never get shit done. They ARE talking about you, and YOU … you’re just pathetic.

Photo by: JuSteph4All

 Thanks. Go away.
Where should I go? I’m stuck in your head.
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
I won’t, for without me, you don’t have a friend.
PLEASE … just go away.
I won’t. You can beg, but you’re fragile, you’re weak.
Fine stay.
It’s easy for me to win.
You always do. You ruin my life.
No I don’t. You do that on your own.
Thanks. Go away.
I won’t.
Then stay.
I will.
Okay.

Head-games. (with a capital H)

My confidence fails me,
Every now and again;
When it strays, it’s replaced with
Paranoia, not zen.

Happiness, laughter …
All my sunny rays,
Have turned to this uninviting,
Hazy shade of grey.

Photo Edited by JuSteph4All

I’m unlovable, uncaring,
UN-everything, it’s true …
however,
If I’m so NOT anything,
Then how am I blue?

My sense of humor,
Nowhere to be found.
It’s in there somewhere,
It’s buried deep down.

Why does this happen?
Is it only me?
I’m someone who’s typically filled
With smiles, life and glee.

I’m hideous, you say?
Right down to the bone …
If I’m so NOT anything,
Why can’t I be alone?

Alone from the voices
I call my very own …
The words are so harsh!
Haven’t I grown?!

GO! Go away!

I HAVE grown, but

To you, this I say ..

Yes, go away, however
Don’t go too far,
As tomorrow is another day …
For my head and heart to spar.

Do I really want you gone?
Why can’t you read my mind?
For there are billions of words that swirl in my head,
Go ahead … look, seek, tell me what you find.

It’s blank you say?
Whatever. Look deeper
See clearer … Dig through,
And please tell me, am I a keeper?

NO!

NO?

I am a keeper …
Of secrets, of stories,
Of money, of time,
I am the keeper of poetics that rhyme.

It’s not enough. It is enough.
I’m not. I am.
This brain of mine, is rough …
however,
For today, I AM ENOUGH!

Photo taken by JuSteph4All

 

Take my arm …

Take my arm.
Instead of hers.
With each poke and prot
She winces, it burns.
TAKE MY ARM!
Instead of hers!
I feel her pain.
Literally.
Can it get worse?
I bow my head,
As a tear falls down.
I say a prayer.
I ask the Lord, why?
Why her?!
What did she do?
To deserve this misery.
To have this placed upon her.
What did she do …
you ask?
She raised two children.
On her own.
For the most part.
We had incredible grandparents.
Whom aided.
A lot. 

Forever Broken.

Dark. Alone … Isolated.

Deprived of ever being a child.

Lost. Broken … Worthless.

Made a woman,
Before the choice was mine.

Secluded. Lonely … Detached.

He embezzled the purest part of me,
before I knew what purity meant.

Into The Deep …

**Good Morning Friends … I have submitted this piece to be a part of a bigger audience, next month. Please cross your fingers and toes, that I’m one of the lucky ones to be chosen to be featured with a Guest Submission on The Ink Owl’s Page … I’ve included the link to their page, so you can check them out, and or submit something of your own!**

The prompt, for the submission, from the page, is as follows:

” I would like submissions to contain an essence of fantasy as well as reflect this prompt”:
“Into the deep I plunge.”

I’ve included that, so my poem, makes more sense, as you read it.  Enjoy!  As always, constructive criticism, is more than welcome! ;o)

Into the deep I plunge …
The deepest, darkest place
I can find … in my brain,
Yet … nowhere to be found.

The light, the one that once shone
From within, is beckoning to be heard ….
To be seen … to be loved.

Into the deep I plunge,
Happily Ever After…
One step forward,
Sadly,
Two steps back.
I vowed FOREVER!
Is forever now?

The deeper I plunge,
The further I fall …

… into GRACE?! …

A space forgotten by me,
Forgotten by all!

Shame on them, shame on me!

Take me deep …
Keep falling … Hold Me!
Let Me GO! … Take my hand,
Fall with me …..

Into the deep I go …
Where? What? Why? …

… HOW?! …

How have I fallen…
This deep, without letting go?

Further … Slower … Clinching

TIGHTLY!

Oh … I see now … REJOICING!

You never let go …

Into the deep I plunge …
It’s warm … welcoming,
Inviting … I like it here …

Come with me … You’ll love it too.

Hold my hand, don’t let go! For …

Into the deep WE plunge ……….

 

Serendipity.

---

I wasn’t looking ..
for someone like you;
I wasn’t looking ..
for anyone at all.
You came into my life ..
out of the blue;
And did something I thought ..
no one could do.
Like a vortex tornado ..
you shattered my wall;
A wall raised by me ..
for protection from all.
You are so different ..
I sense your loyalty;
Don’t ever give up ..
for it’s called, Serendipity!

---

 

Wow.

I awake each morning,
With no one to hold.
For a day in New York City,
Has captured my soul.
Like fireworks that go off,
In the dark night time sky,
In an instant I knew,
I desired this guy.
A quick passing time,
Was all that we had,
I miss him, I want him,
It’s making me sad.
Astounding to me, impressive to him,
What hours of conversation had done.
For two unattached hearts,
Suddenly fluttering, as one.